there have been a couple of things that I have been meaning to say.
It has finally come to my consciousness that I’m actually not doing too badly in school. Yes, its true that i only got 2 A-s and 1 A this semester. But to be completely honest, I think I did pretty darn well for someone who was stricken with a bad case of food poisoning and had to be hospitalised for close to a week, and was out of action for nearly 2 weeks. Imagine the amount of work I could have accomplished during my down time. then again, how much work could I have done? I highly doubt that I would actually be able to memorise that much more parts of the brain for biopsyc, nor would i have been able to remember more presidents for UGC (I scored close to perfect on the final, actually, so there’s really no bloody point studying that extra bit to get a perfect score.) Yes, just a deviation into my narcissistic world, I am very proud that I managed to write a whole bunch of mini essays (I cant even remember how many. was it 10?) and answer 16 objective questions and score a close to perfect score. aww come on, give me some credit. Although I have to say that I scored a measley 85% average for my class essays.. I should have given more of a damn, I guess. Maybe I could have gotten that A. Also, I did pretty badly for biopsyc finals. I should be happy, though. I still beat the average score by quite a significant number of percentage points! *rolls around in mild glee.
Also, it is quite likely that I’ll be sticking around with The Boyfriend for a long, long time. Its so strange to actually find myself being a big thing to someone. This guy is actually genuinely nice, takes me out to nice dinners (he’s a foodie- he knows where all the cheap and good food are), and is practically on par or exceeds my expectations for the level of intellect. Also, he’s quite thrifty but knows how to indulge once in a while. While I disagree with his political stand on women’s rights to abortion and all that fun stuff, we generally can live with each other around i guess.
I don’t think I could see myself without him, actually.
I’m still not too used with being treated nicely; it’s weird to have someone want to comfort you and hug you and kiss you when you’re crying from all the hospitalisation and the inability to move around independently. it’s funny to have him tell you that he wants to take you out for dinner and he pays, no conditions attached. it’s strange to have someone to support my gastronomic adventures. (actually, he awaits eagerly to eat my stuff. what a bonus!) its just one of those things that make you stop and think “holy shit, a mortal loves me!” how is that even possible, when only God can love someone so imperfect? even my mother dislikes me, how is it possible that someone else who’s not in your family line can love you so tenderly, fiercely, and carelessly that he lays down his pride to salvage the debris of a relationship torn apart by an argument?
So you ask me, why am I telling you this?
And I tell you this background information because I want to explain why I deserve him.
At the beginning of this relationship, his ex girlfriend (let’s call her P), added me on facebook and fibbed a whole bunch of crap on her blog. (yes, call me a stalker, whatever, at least im transparent about it.) And I was honestly felt so betrayed by it. And he just let me take it without really standing up for my need for integrity in my dealings with people.
I was seriously hurt, but me being me, I chose not to really blame him for the matter because he didnt know what to do at that time (now he knows that I wasn’t happy with the way he dealt with it, so I guess that’s all good). He didnt know me sufficiently enough then. It still hurt, but it wasnt really his fault. So I tried to quell those feelings without actually coping with them. But then my feelings of hurt and anger spiraled out of control. As a means of coping with it, I wanted to be better than she was. I wanted to be kinder, smarter, more beautiful. More independent. Heck, I wanted to be wonderful with people just because she was.
I tried that for a little while. Unfortunately (or fortunately, actually), my attempts didn’t last past a week. So much for trying, huh. After my failed must-be-better-than-P mission, I did did my utmost to put that episode behind me, but the thoughts of always being better than her, seeking to be more perfect than she was, always made me feel inadequate. Those thoughts made me insecure. Then one fine day, (today lollol) I had a eureka moment.
I was driving in the rain when The Boyfriend said
“you actually are quite a good driver.”
for that moment, i blinked, and then replied,
“i never thought you’d say that..”
then i thought about it some more and said,
“i think i deserve a better man just because of the sheer fact that i can drive. just because i’m independent.”
without looking up from his phone, he said,
“well, i guess you could say that’s true.”
then the conversation drifted to something else.
My lack of confidence in myself to be adequate seems to be a divergence between what I am and how much better I feel i should be.
It’s just a principle of relativity versus absolute standards. If I just wanted to be smarter than P, more beautiful than P, damn, do I really peg myself to a standard? Yes, i have more integrity than to post lies on my blog. Yes, I am prettier than she is because.. Well, I just am. I am taller, slimmer, have prettier eyes.
But so what if I’m better looking?
Why bother comparing, when I AM a woman of integrity, I AM smart, I AM beautiful?
All this comparing, all this while… it has been a confidence issue. Why be threatened by a girl who is part of his past that will never repeat itself? I dont need to be threatened by another girl whom he left because he never saw a future with her. Logically speaking, my lack of confidence was baseless and unaccounted for. I don’t give a shit that I cant pitch sales like she can; I can do other things… Like turn her ex boyfriend into putty in my hands. And that, my friends, is called selling yourself. Neither do I really care if she’s more godly than I am (actually she’s not la, I just made that up, but I wouldn’t care that she was), but I really hunger for righteousness and justice. She may be more merciful to the plight of people, but I desire to make things right.
All i needed to think of myself was
“I hunger for righteousness and justice”
“I hunger for righteousness and justice but she’s more merciful than i am”
I didn’t have to see us in a light that favored her; there was no need for me to compare. I am who I am. And regardless of how merciful she is, it doesn’t discount the fact that I chase after righteousness and justice. I shouldn’t be shooting myself in the foot like this.
So am I worth him? The answer is yes.
It’s not because she does not measure up to what The Boyfriend wants. Or any one else for that matter. It’s not because she no longer exists in the picture and now I do. (She may have opened many doors that she shouldn’t have, but he’s all mine now, eat that, cotton-picking moron.) She’s no longer relevant in my relationship with him.
It is because I am smart, I am kind, I am beautiful. I am comfortable with my outward mean-ness, because kindness can be mistaken for weakness (but I refuse to speak to dumb clucks who don’t know the difference). I am confident of who I am as an absolute being, not a standard relative to another.
And sometimes when I’m having one of those GUUUUUURRRL-is-confident-days, he looks at me with those eyes and tells me, “that confidence is sexy.”
Sorry if I sound obnoxious. I’m not very good with words, but I mean no ill-intent. Suffice to say that it’s just empowering suddenly understand that my worth isn’t pegged to his ex’s worth. Pardon my early 20s self-discovery moments. ;)
HAVE A GREAT DAY!